Automne '11

Autumn 11

I haven’t been writing personal stuff for such a long time. My writing skills were limited to formal letters, university essays, etc.

Well,yes, I am back to university of better to say college, I am doing my MA in International Relations at Budapest Business School. Still working at the same company, as a part time job, quite exhausting, have had no time and better to say ENERGY for writing.

In the end of June and along July, I was suffering from a down period(yes, now I am able to talk about it more nad less), I was struggling with the dramatic change of energies inside. Today, a lady from the office corridor told me I became a lady from the school girl during the one year here. My friends also told me that I am a lot more serene and mature than I had been before. I used to chat a lot with tried to console me that this is temporary I am only feeling the „wind of change.” Now I feel he was right.

Somewhere, I reached a sort of bottom point, I fel the complete emptyness , the so-called „nihil”, I had no envy to read., listen to music, even to talk with my friends. I only confessed my real feelings to my family who suffered a lot because of my  unpredictable behaviour.

After a struggle of 2 years, I was finally admitted to MA however I was not delighted as I should have been. It was a bit like Sylvia Plath’s bell jar feeling but in my case probably the negative primary school memories and blessures came to surface again.

Recently, I am often described pretty and attarctive, but as a child or better to say adolscent I was  very far from thin. I am still not and sometimes still suffering from being quite far from the tall and skinny contempory social ideal. When I was abou 12-13 I was often bullied of being fat and poor, I always wanted be smart and prettx and travel far-far away,

As I am still living in Hungary, I could not feel that I have managed to step forward to something new and fresh. Frankyl speaking, many friends live abroad Madrid,Milan, Graz , a friend was in Santiago another in Bayreuth with Erasmus, I was completely alone at Budapest, especially when one of best friends left to Scotland.

Even the weather was awful, 90 % of the time closer to October than July with abou 15 °C, strong winds and often slow, grey rainy periods.

I felt stuck, I reached a point from where I was unable to move apart, my mum wanted to send me to a psychologist I rejected. She was completely worried, was even worse suffering at my sight ( a young, health woman broken, crying ont he floor in a dark room, full of negative energies, rejecting all bail-outs they wanted to send me.) One day, she was chasing for some money int he kitchen cupboard when a business card of a former classmate of she fell out from the drawer. The lady is specialised in holistic treatmest: ear acupuncture, kinesiology, Bach flower therapy, healing massage.  I had been there once as a child of 4-5 years and and mum asked for an appointment on Saturday when I go home for the weekend.

That time I had the „classic” depression symptoms: loss of appetite, was not able to sleep and lost the interest in all activites I love.  I had two choice: either I let it eat me u por I try to defeat it. It might also mean that I have to survive it, go to the depth of it but I hope to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I missed two points from being admitted as a correspondant student so I had to perform well so my boss would let me to stay in a part-time job.

I had the common points at first sight with Csilla, the therapist. Even she is around 50, she is fitt and energetic, always smiling. She asked with to chose from cards representing diverse flowers than she told me the meaning behind them. In the end, she was taking my hands into hers asking where the current problem lies itt o me back to primary school when some guys were mocking at me while I was running with my breast got big. It was such a shocking impulse on my feminity that it had been in my mind still. In order to be loved, one has to love him/herself. As the Sri Chimoy quote on my wall says:

"Learn the art of forgiving and at first practice it on yourself. Then you will be able to forgive others as well.”

I still needed some time on my own, thinking and meditating on these things, reconstructing myself from piece to piece. Fortunately, I had the opportunity to spend 4 days in Graz at a very good friend of mine whose positive energies and true spiritual way of living refilled my energies. I spent one night alone in Ljubjana, I was finally FREE and I had a strange feeling I had not been feeling for a while: HARMONY. Peace with myself.

I got back to work and even I had some downs before the grammar school meeting- that eventually succeeded quite well-, I found myself.

Every cloud has a silver lining, I have lost some weight, a few friends also returned to Hungary, the end of August and nearly whole September was sunshiny. I was again going to concerts with friends and finally could follow myself int he mirror while dancing zumba.

I was afraid of school and hated in the first two weeks, it was really different from my beloved Pécs. Even there were magnificent chestnut trees , people are snob and keep distance while in Pécs girls from the Faculty of Arts were colourful and bright, with big scarves and mid-long skirt those silhouette looks amazing, carrying books with old library smell and coffee. Here, you can get good coffee at two places and people rarely talk to „strangers”, even there were people already friends int the class. ( I missed the first two days because I had to stay in my workplace.)

I had some classes on Saturday with correspondent students who I get better on as they have a way of thinking and problems that are closer to mine,

And my journey to Madrid, to an ex university classmate was also approaching that also felt me with joy. I had a few images for a poem however I was unable to write as the first line is still missing and does not want to come in this hectic lifestyle, I always forget to note my thoughts, and even not, I am dissatisfied with the end.

MISS REAL AUTUMN!

The colours of leaves, sunshiny yellow,brown and orange, the mild light of the automne sun, the colurful scarfs with small jackets, laying int he leaves, making photos with my sister ont he Danube bank in my hometown. One day I had shisha and red wine with a friend, it was wonderful! I would like to have long walks till the nose is red, laugh until my stomach aches, rolling ont he floor from crazy ideas, sing during the say int eh inner town!

It has been two years now that I have started my blogspot page, on a warm and sunny 23 October-Hungarian national holiday and went to make photos with my sister.

Now I am also terribly missing the times we used to spend at „the Ghost flat”, the  lots of alcohol consumed, the music we listed to, the secrets told, the dark room when all girls took off their top, the real reckless youth s times!

Now I again feel strong and hope that I will be finishing all complementary stuffs on time. Muhaha, I keep on reading poetry: Tomas Tranströmer- the Nobel prize winner poet in 2011,Pablo Neruda and some Hungrian ones as János Piliniszkí and Miklós Radnóti whose poem „A la recherche” ’s line ’ keeps  going in my head with loss of friends and nights with chatting by glass of red wine. (The poem is about war the destruction, the friends disappeared, the poet himself also ended up in a labour camp in Serbuaand was killed exhausted on the way to Germany jsut next to my home town.)

Today the sun is shining brilliantly and even the waether is a bit cold the lights are magnificient and would prefer shooting pics on the automn Danube bank/Gellért hill instead of cleaning, learning and uni, but  C’EST LA VIE