floor

Before I can REALLY write about this topic, I copy here pieces from a longlong letter to Estonia (it is pretty far and even he doesn't read it I could write it out)

I am quite sure you remember me as a cheerful, reckless and restless blond girl with a bright blue scarf in her hair. I was happy and bright, full of self-confidence and trust in life. And I am quite sure you also remember the story of my graduation. How I found myself on the floor, how hard it was to stand up again and fight and did. You may also know how I hate mynew school and you may also have heard these "new" negative thoughts from me. I may have lost my self-confidence and self-belief. I was working in my home town now I have been at EUROPE fopr 1,5 year. I am told to be pretty and sexy but at school I am really really afraid that I would fall again as I did 2 years ago. I still remember the face and the voice of my ex consultant about how stupid I was and I would never ever be able to speak and write French correctly. That I would never ever find a good job. (Well, I did.)

I might have also told you that he refused to help me in correcting the ortograph in my thesis. I also wrote you the ending exam result how bad note I received, I do belive still IT WAS UNFAIR!!!!

Then I had that Vasile guy and then my present work and then Budapest Business School etc. On the plane, I was talking to you how I wish to go abroad to a French speaking place with Erasmus and party and how I liked to movie Auberge Espagnole that is placed in Barcelona about a French guy's Erasmus. Well the chance after 4 years has arrived again, it is a pity that there are alltogether 6 places for International Relations Master: 1 Slovenia, , 1 Danemark, 2 Italy and 2 France: Paris 12 and Avon Fontanbleau. So I was looking forward to apply to the Paris place till a girl who first wanted the Danemark place changed her mind (a TOEFL/Cambridge English is obligatory for Danemark) so she has just started French will also apply for Paris.

The pity is that even I have 2 Advanced and one Intermediate language exams and had notes of an advantage of 4.58 (in Hungary the best is 5)m she had 4.73. What is more, as we have only accomplished one semester here, the mark of the previous degree is counted. She has an excellent one, me even just acceptable. So, she will have more points and if both of us apply, she will go to Paris. At BBs, I can only apply to one single place so it means that if I apply there I wont get anything. Avon Fontanbleau is located about 20 kms away from Paris butt there I would learn Information Comuncation science I am completely uninterested in.

As you see, the 2009 crisis came back probably as I have still NOT ACCEPTED and RESOLVED that problem, that injustice. As you know, I applied 1st place for the Corvinus University (the one your Zoltan Sipos also attended), I was not admitted as my points were not enough because my DEGEE WAS BAD and I will not get Paris 12 because MY DEGREE WAS BAD.

My kineziolgist who helped my a lot during summer told me that I may be angry and disappointed because it WAS UNFAIR but I will s*ck still I don't get my second degree at BBS. So my only choice is to finish that shit with good notes as possible,

As my kinezologist wrote to me I was born to fight, To learn the art of how to stand up again. I am made for great slaps. Before each challenge I receive and they are getting bigger. But I have to stand up and fight, For a life time.

Like a cat. Learn how to fall on my soles. Because I will fall. there is a wonderful poem of Sylvia Plath called Lady Lazarus (http://www.internal.org/Sylvia_Plath/Lady_Lazarus) that I ahve to die nine time that each time as a phoenix I will come alive from my ashes.  This poem may be my motto.

I have to cope with this FALL and that my degree is bad but I have to stand up and fight and graduate. My friends tried to console me that even I have shitty subjects (and there may be a few intersiting ones at the Communication faculty) I can finally go to study in Paris. Chéri, you know how long I have been dreaming about this and now I am at the gate, broken, hysterical (now calm after having taken 3 pills) and I am having a nervous breakdown.

As I am on the floor again, Peter doesnt even search me and he probably wants a joyful, young woman.  You what is strange? We both believed the other full of self esteem and as time passes we slowly knows the fears and wounds of the other and we both have some problems. He often tells me that he could vomit of himself and me I am also using my energies for poisoning me that I cant and I am not able to. My colleagues are fed up that I always talk how I ahte school how I ahte winter, how I hate this and this.., Whan you met me I  couln not stop talking about what I liked... 

I had two great crisis: 13-14 personal life and sexuality , 21-22 professional life and carrier. I am probably over the first one, I have to solve the second one as well. I will not be easy. I have to love myself and know that I am not stupid and I will be able to learn French. I wanna shout and cry to that Romanian teacher's face that you broke me so as all of my 4 exes ALLTOGETHER. 

I had 5 wonderful years from 2004-2008, 3 years at grammar school and the first 2 years of Uni at Pécs with the best summer of my life in 2008 with Finland and you on the plane and then my life broke. I have to cope with this failure.

As you told me, I cannot change the situation but I can change my reaction. I have to stand up, fight and shout to Sorin's and everyone's face: FUCK YOU AND I CAN DO IT AND WILL DO IT!!!!!