You are just an another brick in the wall

I talk much. Usually too much. Can’t keep my thoughts inside have to give them out. Better to say scream them out. Yes, I want to jump and scream and shout!

To be intensive, whirling and rip all sort of masks apart. Interrupt others who are not hurt and do the same and create a sort of „Babel” we did in the „Ghost flat”. Yes, sometimes it feels good to get a bit drunk to forget and avoid all responsibilties, all musts and be reckless. To be young , crazy and don’t  care about the consequences, Just live for the magic of the moment.

Yes, I do believe you can lose and find yourself in your lover’s arms when you don’t think about the reason of your acts, you only follow your instics and feelings.

I wish I could be honest and open with everyone however people are indifferent about each other, 99 % percent of them won’t care about my feelings. They are NOT interested in such things a show my day was or what are my favourite books. They live in their universe, I live in mine.

Recently, I am feeling more and more the difference about my FRIENDS with capitals and acquitances. The second are most people I know, only bother about the surface, have a certain image of me in their had and not interested int he rest. This is what I feel about my classmates. I do know that is MY FAULT as went there the first time that they are my enemies and now I surprised I have no friends there, But I don’t want them to be my friends anymore. I don’t hate them anymore, but they are acquitances not friends.

And I shall close myself, I mean the deepest feelings, desires from them and talk less. Only answer the questions and not more. No more jumps, no loud talking, being less talkative and energetic. Actually a guy told me I irritate some people with my „too much behaviour” but even they are guys they were coward to confess their feelings. Pfff.

I DO HATE IT!  I was at a concert with a very good friend of mine and like her I also want: INTENSITY!  I want to shine, burn, shout, but I cannot.

My little life is stuck between office manners and university, the only places I don’t have to control myself is writing, friends and soon as I find love.

I have to melt within the wall, to become less intensive and visible , to become more similar. I have to become one brick , one little spot running ont he subway. This is the point I hate in Budapest, the great indifference, people just running without smiling or being interested. I have to get used to it and assimimilate,

I have to learn that the few places I can really talk are when among the friends I love and they love me, Without the wish to change each other, Accept each other as we are. Laugh and cry. Forgive all bullshits.

And I have to write, Yes, yes in order to talk and share less, I should spend more time with writing, to give it out.